If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize