my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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