well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
