We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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