my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
there is glitter all over my balls
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