So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize