I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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