OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
