I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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