my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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