It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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