finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
