My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize