the condom got lost in my hair
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize