Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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