my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
