my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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