Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
