i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
