Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
