I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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