I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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