So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
