Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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