I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
