Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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