Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
