i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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