he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Pants are for mortals
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
