you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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