I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
