The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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