Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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