I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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