I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
