UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
