someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dick very happy bro
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
