Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
