i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
