On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
