You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
