peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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