In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
do herpes really smell.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
