thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
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