I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
