i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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