I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
