I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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