when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
