the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I want to fling myself into the sun
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
