And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize