I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
