Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I will pee on everything he values.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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