smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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