I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
