I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize