went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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