Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
