Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
