Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
