Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
