I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
