his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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