those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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